And So I kept Living

Twenty years ago, today was the busiest and the happiest day of my life. Twenty years ago, I was the most anxious girl who couldn’t seem to contain her happiness, giving a reason to friends and family, for those teasing eyebrow raises, elbow nudges and smiles. Twenty years ago, today, I was yours and you were mine. After all the struggles and battles, across continents and race, against society norms, today was our day of victory, the day we dreamed to celebrate. We had finally won, my darling. Twenty years ago, today, we got married.

Twenty years ago, today, while I was getting dressed for you, I could see our life rolling out before my eyes. I had my beautiful castles raised on the dreamy clouds in the sky of our togetherness. Giggling like a little girl, I saw how we tiptoed on the daily jitters around the married life. You would say something, I would argue, we will have a fight and then make up with a kiss. How we worked to materialize our dreams. It was bewitching to see our small world of happiness, after three years of continental chaos, as we would tease each other. I was on the seventh sky, as they put on me, my wedding veil.

Twenty years ago, today, when I saw you, my handsome groom, all elegance and style in your navy suit, I thought my heart would explode. When that moment came, and we said, ‘I Do’, I remember how peaceful and content it had felt. When we looked into each other, I saw my universe in those beautiful black eyes, and knew it was all that I ever wished to have. We started our dreams together, our life was no less than a dream, my love.

Twenty years ago, today, you killed my soul. You left me a shattered mess. Standing there in my wedding dress, my life turned over in a matter of seconds. I saw my wedding dress, the white beauty shedding tears of red. You, all over me. As we lay, together, there on the ground, I saw those bewitching eyes, sadden as tears rolled down from mine. As I clasped you closer with my arms, holding you tighter so as not to let your soul fly. If I only could.You kissed me in tears. Promise me, you said. Baby, make our dreams come true. Live for me, honey, I love you.Your warm breath poured over my soul and those black eyes, gazed lifeless into me.

Twenty years ago, today, my soul died with you. I was in so much pain, I did not understand how it could be? Screaming. Crying. Screaming out to the skies, while your head lay on my lap, my lips all over your face, kissing you, touching you, urging you to open your eyes. Begging you to come back to me. Someone was pulling me away from you, asking me to let go. Were they crazy? I was your bride, we were just to start, how could they be so cruel to take me away from you so soon.

Twenty years ago, I thought I would never be sane again. I was getting dressed again. Black, they put on me. Black. My eyes, my face and my soul. Everything was black.They brought me to you. You, laying there in a peace. Your moon-like face , your lips in a broken smile. My heart turned in my chest, twisting itself into a knot, tighter and tighter. I could not breathe. I could not scream, tears streamed my face. They could never wash my pain. Twenty years ago, today, they laid you to rest from this cruel world, to eternal peace.

Twenty years ago, today, I was your bride. Twenty years ago, today, I was your widow. Twenty years ago, my darling, not even once I had this thought. The thought of me speaking to you here. It is green and yellow,our favorite time of the year, the spring spreading itself all over the place; the daffodils by your grave, dancing in the soft breeze. Twenty years ago, when you said live on, I did; make our dreams come true, I did see them through; when you said honey I love you, I didn’t say I love you too, and it killed me. Twenty years since, I come here everyday, to tell you how much I love you. To tell you, Darling, I love you too.


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