I have been calling him since morning. He hasn’t picked up once nor even returned any of my messages.I am worried sick but now I am getting a little angry too.
We had a major argument yesterday about the decisions and choices I made in my life.I know I said things I didn’t mean, shouldn’t have said.Not to him, at least. After all these years, the one thing that has not changed in my life is him. He has always been with me, by my side, through every tide, if not every moment of my happiness. Whenever I needed comfort, a push, an eye to see what I couldn’t see, it was always him. No questions. No reasons, never would he ever give up on me but stand next to me and see me through. My big problems were no trouble for him, ever.
But last night he was different. He was not him. He said things to hurt me, deliberately. I could see how he was twisting, anger building up on his temples, the blue vein pulsating at a frequency I had never seen. He was angry at me. He said he had done enough of my babysitting and I needed to go on my own from now. I was hurt and said I did not need him and all. He can leave me be. But he knows I didn’t really mean it. Its not the first time, we have had a fight. But something was different last night. I feel strange now. I don’t know my life without him. He is a part of my world since forever. Since the first time I sledged off the slope and bumped into him head on knocking him off his feet. He stood up and smiled at me, said it was okay and brushed off the snow all over me before he even took a look at himself. We are best friends since then. It is a lifetime of togetherness. I don’t what I would do, all these years without him. Only if he would just pick up his damned phone!
It is already my rehearsal dinner and he still hasn’t called me back. No message. Nothing. I have been trying every thing. I need to go to his place. Yes, I have to speak to him face to face. Apologize for being the baby I was yesterday. Cursing him, venting my anger on him, when he deserves no such trash, not from me, whom he always stood by. I put on my jacket and head out.
I ring the bell and hear footsteps. I am a little relieved. Prepping myself what to say, I lose my words when a woman opens the door.
Excuse me? I side glance to check the number of the house to see if I am at the right place. It is. It is his house, but who is she? I have never seen her before.
”Excuse me, can I help you?”
Yes… I ummm , I am looking for Jacob. Is he in?
Oh, you must be Rachel!
Yes, that’s me. Is he alright, where is ….. ?
“Please wait here for a moment,” she cut me short and ran inside.
Maybe he has asked her not to let me in. Is he so mad at me? Who is she? How come I have never seen her before, or heard of her? Between us, there is nothing we don’t know of each other.
She comes back with an envelope in her hand.
“Here, he left this for you.”
Left for me, but where is he? I want to see him, I have to talk to him. If you could just let me in. I am trying to work my way in, but she doesn’t let me through.
“Excuse me Miss. He is not here. He left this morning. He sold the place to me.”
What!? What are you talking about? Sold the place, I almost shouted at her in bewilderment.
“I think you will find all your answers in there,” pointing to the envelope, she closed the door on my face.
Puzzled, I head in the direction of the park, turning over the envelope in my hand. Rach, it reads on the middle, in his beautiful handwriting. She always envied him his hand. He was an artist, a good one ever since he was a kid.
I sat on the bench and opened it to find a letter inside. I was amused. Never had we felt a need to write a letter to each other. There never came a time or situation in our lives when we could not speak to each other. It felt strange holding this letter from him. Anyways I read on.
My darling Rach
All these years I have been nothing but a best friend to you. We have always been us with each other. You are to me more than I can explain in words. It has been a long time since we have been friends and now I cannot anymore. I cannot be your friend. I just can’t. I am sorry. I know it’s not a good time. I know you are celebrating the biggest day of your life soon and even though I know I should be there for you, I just can’t. Honestly, I can, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to see you ruin your life. That guy is not the right person for you, Rach. He is not. He doesn’t deserve you. I don’t understand why can’t you see that? You will not be happy with him, I know. I can see it. But you don’t understand, nor do you see it, do you? Rach, you sure you want to marry him? You sure you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Sweetheart, please take a moment and walk through what you are heading for. I know you are the girl who lives in the moment, caring neither for the present nor for the future, but Rach, this is a big thing, a big decision in your life. Please darling make sure you do it right.
I cannot seem to change your mind. I have no right to, I understand, not even as a friend. You made it pretty clear last night. I am not orchestrating your life, neither I want to. I just want, like always, to protect you. But now, I think you don’t need that. Not from me, at least. I know, you are stubborn and I know you will marry him anyways. Whatever I say, or I do, won’t change your decision. I know that much of you. It is just that, I can’t stand to see you plunge into the darkness that you are heading towards. I am sorry. I love you Rach and I pray that you have a happy life ahead. Just that I won’t be a part of it anymore. I can’t see you unhappy. I love you too much for that. I will break his bones if he hurts you, makes you cry again. I did it once, and your marrying me him won’t stop me from doing it again. You know that. I don’t think its something I can be around to wait for. Rach, please, think about it one last time. Please sweetheart, one last time before you go on about it. Please. I am begging you.
I need to go. Away from you, this city, for how long I don’t know. But I just have to go.I am exhausted of being your friend. I can’t do it anymore. I cannot be your shoulder to cry on every time. Your comfort every time you have a fight. You will have to do it on your own. When its about time. Be strong Rach. Be brave and fight for yourself, even if it is fighting your loved ones. Don’t give in to anything less. You deserve much more then you think. If only you knew! If only you can see!
Love you forever
Seven years have passed. Seven years of me fighting,being hurting and driven insane with tears. Today I finally got rid of all that. Rid of him. Today we got divorced. It was time that the nightmare of our abusive marriage come to an end. I was so blind. How could I have not seen? How! The fight has aged me beyond my years, left me alone and feeble. But its over, and I feel the inner strength in me triumph, proud that it could stand alone, against everyone. I was brave and strong throughout.
Fight for yourself,even if it is fighting your loved ones. He had said that. I opened his letter one more time, sitting here on the same bench where I first read it. Tearful, I realized how true he was in every single word he had said. He knew, he had always known and he had always warned me. And I had always fought him on that. That night was the last I saw, I heard of him.
I should never have gotten so angry reading his letter.Not once did I try to find him, get in touch with him. I was so mad for him leaving me like that, having said what he did. How could he not be happy in my happiness? How could he not support me! I was stupid for not knowing, how much he loved me.
I cursed him for leaving me alone when I wanted him the most. But then, could I really blame him? I missed him so much all these years. My dear friend, my comfort, my solace. But today, I miss him less. It is like he was always with me in all these years. I have read his letter so many times, when I felt alone, weak and unloved. His words, even after he was gone, have been my strength. I wonder if he knew how it all turned out. He would not laugh at me, or scoff at me with the ‘I told you so’ look. No he was too kind, compassionate for such taunts. He would have held me in his strong protecting arms and said, as always, Way to go Rach. I knew you had it in you.I knew you could do it.” I smiled. It was over, In the last seven years, the only thing I lost, that I can’t grieve enough for, is his love, his friendship, him.