He loved her. He thought he did. He was not sure what being in love meant. He had grown watching the love as depicted in the movies. Sometimes it did affect him and he craved for such love, other times he did not really get it. Being in love, how would that really feel. He kept wondering and fantasizing about the emotion that sent everyone high. His thoughts would wander from the sweetness that love promised to offer, to the bitterness he had seen in so many lives that were in love. It always confused him and he could never figure it out.
When he got married he was excited to finally getting to know ‘love’. Or so he thought. His wife was a charming lady, beautiful, smart, good natured, everything a man wanted in his wife. He liked her, admired her and even respected her for who she was. He was growing fonder of her, each passing day. Life was good. Until one day it all came back to him.
Love, as passionate, as deep, as it is depicted in the apparent world, seemed barely touching his heart’s surface. He had everything yet he felt something was missing. He loved his life, his wife, his family. But there was a void in his heart that kept him awake at nights from time to time. He looked at his wife.Her lovely face, at peace, calm and serene. She had brought immense happiness to him with her. She was his friend, his confidante, he had never been so close to anyone than he was to her. He felt guilty for feeling as he did.As he lay there he would make up his mind to tell her how he felt in the morning. Yet he could not. She would understand, he knew her to be of a rational mind. Sometimes he thought she was too rational for a woman. That was who she was; a strong, sensible, and a rational woman who had an overly emotional side to her. An empathetic lady who did not hate a single soul. She had a good heart that made you want to crush the world for her single drop of tear. Maybe that is why he never could tell her the three things he so deeply felt in his heart.
One, he did not want her to know that even though she brought a world of happiness and joy to him, that she meant a world to him, he was not sure how much, or did he or not love her at all. He cared for her, understood her, was happy in her triumphs, a comfort in her sadness. He was always there when she needed him. He always understood how she was feeling. And still, he always felt he was not there. He could not explain it to her, he was never good at words.She would either misunderstand the whole thing or rationalize and make her peace with it. In both cases, he would end up hurting her. To what extent he did not want to take the risk of knowing.
Second, he was scared. Having always been successful in his endeavors and admired for his hard work, he was a man of confidence that you could not miss. He had a perfect life, with a successful business, a loving wife and two beautiful children. That was how his family and the world knew him.It had not come on its own and he had worked extremely hard to be where he was. And yet he was scared. He concealed in his heart the fear of losing it all. His wife, his children, his success and his mind. The mere thought of it at times made him go wild in anger and resentment.
Third, he wanted to abscond. Although he could not even bear the thought of his family leaving him yet here he was from time to time, thinking of leaving them all and everything behind. He had come a long way from being a boy of sixteen, a refugee in an unwelcome land to the huge success that he was now. He had lived a proud life, one that you could boast of. His life and struggles were always exemplified by people who knew him.However, after all these years, none of it mattered. He was grateful, thankful and felt blessed to be the man that he had become, yet there was a strong urge in him, to abandon everything that he had acquired. He did not know where he wanted to go, or what he wanted to do, he just wanted to disappear from his own world.