I killed my heart

Sometimes, in the quiet of my room, I look inside, deep inside within myself. I get scared of the darkness that I see there. It is like there never has been any light when indeed there shone, one upon a time, a brilliance of faith that illuminated my entire self. 

Walking blindly across the corners of my heart, pushing hard at what seem immovable walls, I remember, there used to be a door somewhere! While I hopelessly move on from one wall to the next trying to locate it, my strength seems to fail me. The feeble in me gives in to the exhausting search and falls down. After a little while of feeding myself with the hope of life, the belief that it doesn’t matter how many times you fall as long as you stand back up, I make another attempt. Then another one. One more after that. And I still can’t find that door. It was definitely there. However it had chosen to shut itself out of my sight. Chosen? Or did I force it to vanish like that? 

In the left corner of my heart, therein I sat quietly in tears, amidst all the weak moments of my life. Powerless, helpless, feeding on my negative thoughts. Am I abandoned? Am I left to myself? Could there be anything more humiliating than this moment of  incessant loss? How could I have been so negligent of my own heart? How could have I deprived it of its life? How did it happen? I had killed my heart! 

Miserable in the vast darkness that spread around me, across my entire heart, I fell asleep. I dreamed that I found the door.The door that crossed over to the other side of the world. It was a  wonderful place. Dark green trees, pure bliss of a river stream, lovely garden with colorful flowers. Birds singing, lovely butterflies and I. Sitting in the lush green carpet of grass, smelling the freshness of the air and basking in the sunlight. Happy, content and a sense of strength surrounded me as I met myself in the eye. Tears made streams across my cheeks while the other me kept smiling. Teasingly, compassionately. She had sensed my fears, after all she was a part of me. Of the past or the future,I know not. Gesturing for me to sit down, she told me.

The heart cannot be left alone for long. It cannot, just cannot be seaparated from the soul. They are one in essence. You cannot separate them, you ought not to.Lest you cause them to wither away. In deep saddness, in loneliness they start dwelling on the endless pain of separation. You have lost yourself in the pace of this world. Robotic, monotonic life is no life for either your heart nor your soul. You have deprived them of the Remembrance, of their world, where they actually belong, where they have come from and where they will return. 

Your heart kept poking you, every time you took the wrong turn. It had heard from the soul, the pain it would later being on to you. But you never paid any heed, not in the least. You thought one time was not that bad. You had a vain pride of control. But it happened again. And again and again. Till you lost all control. You listened never to your shrieking heart the torment you laid on its beloved soul. The soul was shattered every time you fell down.It was taken a mile away from its blissful world and plunged into the abyss of deep darkness. Your heart kept telling you, wanting you to stop, but you did not. The darkness of your soul insidiously took over the heart and now both lay at your mercy. 

There is still life in your heart, a little light left in your soul,if you at all care. If you want to bring yourself back to life, you have got to kneel more, for sure. In the caverns of your heart, there lies hope. Of illumination. Of life. 

You are the only one who can bring back the light. But not alone. Ask the Illuminator of the Universe, of the zillions of stars, of the eyes that see, of the soul that feels, ask Him to help you find that door. Bow down, surrender humbly to your Lord, leave aside your arrogance, your senseless pride and ask Him, beg Him to help you. He alone can now be your guide to the door. The Door. It is still there. It has concealed itself from you, but it lies in your heart, in the deepest corner of regret. You will find it there in the steam of all your tears, that seek forgiveness from Him. It will be a long journey, a hard one, but it will be worth it. 

Get up and exhaust yourself, but never let go of the hope of crossing over that door. Stand up every time you fall, but get back up for sure. Exhaust yourself, keep trying. There is no other way to it. You will either find the door or die in the exhaustive search. Both honorable attempts that you owe your life here.

Always remember one thing.He doesn’t abandon,nor does He leave alone, unless you want it to be like that, unless you want to leave Him, His help will always be there.

I woke up. There was still hope, still a streak of light somewhere. Deep in the darkness where I had pushed my heart into, I need to go deeper and deeper to find that door.

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